Medical Examinations
1. A
man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs,
and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At
the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly
deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted
by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
3. One
day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted
by Dr. Susan
4. During
a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I
asked.
"The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places
to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't
see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches
on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted
by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
5. While
acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you
been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was
alive."
Submitted
by Dr. Steven Swanson,
6. I
was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste"
the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted
by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
7. A
nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was
quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When
she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her
pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted
by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a
new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing
female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
"I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr.
wouldn't submit his name.