Pocket Taser Stun Gun: A Great Gift for the Wife
This was submitted by a guy
named Tommy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something
at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The
occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something
extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!
Long story short, I bought
the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to
explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner,
my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of
shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge
of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost
beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it,
master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad.... I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then
body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled
to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they get up
there???
My triceps, right thigh, and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt as if
it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Tommy